MFI killed lady Di - says dyslexic spy

Time to trash another outlandish conspiracy theory. It's bad enough that the lunatic fringe point the finger of blame at MI5 and other intelligence agencies for all the shit that goes on in the world. Now let's face it, the tossbags who run things have no choice but to be tossers, otherwise we'd all get swallowed up by even bigger tossers than they are - moral of the story being - better the tosser you know - even if he does work for the CIA and spends a large part of his spare time sabotaging the infrastructure of left wing regimes, often by doing needless things like putting cement into supplies of school milk.
The tossers will do anything to win, even if it means killing schoolchildren....sorry, am I in the wrong meeting here?

But just because they will kill your kids to further their tossing aims, it doesn't necessary follow that they will kill the popular young ex-wife of the next king.... and her lover, whose father happens to be a wealthy old tosspot with a lot of intelligence connections himself.....    and if they were going to bump her off, surely they'd find a better way to do it than by using a knackered old Fiat Uno in a french road tunnel...

But according to dyslexic ex-spy John Paul Sanderson...that's exactly what they did...and what's more...the job was not carried out by MI5, but was contracted out to the flatpack furniture manufacturer MFI....who made a complete and utter balls up of it, leaving three people dead and one guy with no memory - ruining any future chance he might have had of participating in the Krypton Factor, should it ever return to our TV screens.

                                       Gordon's Jigsaw

We asked former Krypton Factor presenter Gordon Burns, if there was any credence to the theory that MFI carried out the killing in order to prevent Lady Di's bodyguard from financially benefitting from participation in memory-based television quiz shows....

"I doubt it," he said, whilst working on a large plastic life-size jigsaw, that looked a bit like two gay spidermen wrestling on a mattress.

                                                  Going for Gold - with a prosthetic silver snozzle

So we asked former 'Going for Gold' host....that Irish guy...we couldn't remember his name....it was on in the daytime at about one o'clock, sometime just before or after Neighbours... seems we wouldn't have much of a chance in any kind of memory-based quiz show.
Anyway, we asked the Irish man if there was maybe a grain of truth to the assertion that Lady Di was just collateral damage in an assassination attempt on her bodyguard in order to frustrate his quiz-based televisual ambitions.

"It's a interesting theory," he told us. "When popular global baby-huggers are wiped out in the full gaze of the Paparrazi, it's always tempting to go for the obvious targets such as global intelligence agencies, but often, the truth is far more complicated...and yes, sometimes we do have to think outside the box...so if what you're saying is true, then it wouldn't surprise me in the slightest."

"But it isn't true, is it?" we told him. "It's a former MI5 operative who applied for a job with a flatpack furniture company by mistake and can't get his old job back. He's just making it all up for the attention."

"So MFI had nothing to do with the death of Lady Di?" he said, scratching his bonce.

"No, but apparetly, B&Q are up to their bollocks in the death of Michael Jackson."

"You what?" the former lunchtime quiz show host shouted at us.

"Yes, didn't you know? Jacko was supposed to be putting his face on a new B&Q campaign to help them sell more lino and shit, but he pulled out at the last minute and cost the company a fortune....apparently a high-ranking executive at B&Q used to be a shag-partner of a woman who knew the ex-shag-partner of Michael Jackson's doctor..... the shag partners were paid a lot of money to get the doctor on board....and it was B&Q who supplied the drugs that led to Jacko's fatal overdose."

                                                  Evil DIY workers laughing at Jacko's death

                                        

"And what's that got to do with a dyslexic former spy blaming MFI for killing Lady Di's bodyguard to stop him from appearing on memory-based television game shows?"

"Absolutely toss all."