MFI killed lady Di - says dyslexic spy

Time to trash another outlandish conspiracy theory. It's bad enough that the lunatic fringe point the finger of blame at MI5 and other intelligence agencies for all the shit that goes on in the world. Now let's face it, the tossbags who run things have no choice but to be tossers, otherwise we'd all get swallowed up by even bigger tossers than they are - moral of the story being - better the tosser you know - even if he does work for the CIA and spends a large part of his spare time sabotaging the infrastructure of left wing regimes, often by doing needless things like putting cement into supplies of school milk.
The tossers will do anything to win, even if it means killing schoolchildren....sorry, am I in the wrong meeting here?

But just because they will kill your kids to further their tossing aims, it doesn't necessary follow that they will kill the popular young ex-wife of the next king.... and her lover, whose father happens to be a wealthy old tosspot with a lot of intelligence connections himself.....    and if they were going to bump her off, surely they'd find a better way to do it than by using a knackered old Fiat Uno in a french road tunnel...

But according to dyslexic ex-spy John Paul Sanderson...that's exactly what they did...and what's more...the job was not carried out by MI5, but was contracted out to the flatpack furniture manufacturer MFI....who made a complete and utter balls up of it, leaving three people dead and one guy with no memory - ruining any future chance he might have had of participating in the Krypton Factor, should it ever return to our TV screens.

                                       Gordon's Jigsaw

We asked former Krypton Factor presenter Gordon Burns, if there was any credence to the theory that MFI carried out the killing in order to prevent Lady Di's bodyguard from financially benefitting from participation in memory-based television quiz shows....

"I doubt it," he said, whilst working on a large plastic life-size jigsaw, that looked a bit like two gay spidermen wrestling on a mattress.

                                                  Going for Gold - with a prosthetic silver snozzle

So we asked former 'Going for Gold' host....that Irish guy...we couldn't remember his name....it was on in the daytime at about one o'clock, sometime just before or after Neighbours... seems we wouldn't have much of a chance in any kind of memory-based quiz show.
Anyway, we asked the Irish man if there was maybe a grain of truth to the assertion that Lady Di was just collateral damage in an assassination attempt on her bodyguard in order to frustrate his quiz-based televisual ambitions.

"It's a interesting theory," he told us. "When popular global baby-huggers are wiped out in the full gaze of the Paparrazi, it's always tempting to go for the obvious targets such as global intelligence agencies, but often, the truth is far more complicated...and yes, sometimes we do have to think outside the box...so if what you're saying is true, then it wouldn't surprise me in the slightest."

"But it isn't true, is it?" we told him. "It's a former MI5 operative who applied for a job with a flatpack furniture company by mistake and can't get his old job back. He's just making it all up for the attention."

"So MFI had nothing to do with the death of Lady Di?" he said, scratching his bonce.

"No, but apparetly, B&Q are up to their bollocks in the death of Michael Jackson."

"You what?" the former lunchtime quiz show host shouted at us.

"Yes, didn't you know? Jacko was supposed to be putting his face on a new B&Q campaign to help them sell more lino and shit, but he pulled out at the last minute and cost the company a fortune....apparently a high-ranking executive at B&Q used to be a shag-partner of a woman who knew the ex-shag-partner of Michael Jackson's doctor..... the shag partners were paid a lot of money to get the doctor on board....and it was B&Q who supplied the drugs that led to Jacko's fatal overdose."

                                                  Evil DIY workers laughing at Jacko's death

                                        

"And what's that got to do with a dyslexic former spy blaming MFI for killing Lady Di's bodyguard to stop him from appearing on memory-based television game shows?"

"Absolutely toss all."

Jewlux

Global paint supplier says Schindler’s lot are strangling the paint market to death.

Your shiny new yellow ceiling – those bright green skirting boards that destroyed your last relationship -- that drainpipe you gave a lick of red paint to, just because you wanted to be different -- according to Melvin Bisongrass, there is one common denominator linking all these painting phenomena – Jews.

Bisongrass, 26, is a global undercoat specialist who supplied all the paint The Stone Roses used to destroy the offices of a record label who released that shit Sally Cinnamon video without the band’s consent.

I had never heard about a Global Jewish conspiracy to put a coat of paint inside every building on the planet, so I asked Bissongrass to fill in the glaring gaps in my knowledge.

“And Schindler? He wasn’t a Jew was he?” 

“No, but he may as well have been – he saved that many. People call him a hero, but what did he ever do for the non-Jews? He didn’t give them cushy jobs and protection from Nazi persecution did he?  It’s one of the worst cases of negative discrimination I’ve ever come across.”

     Schindler: Say what you want about him, but he paid his Jews.

“So let’s get this straight,” I said. “Does Oscar Schindler have anything to do with the Jewlux conspiracy, or are you just going off on the biggest tangent since Einstein stopped using them? And what have the Jews ever done to you?”

“It’s what they’re doing to the global paint trade, is what we should all be worried about.”

According to Bisongrass, the Jewlux conspiracy started in Jerusalem in the 60s, after a Muslim painted over the Wailing Wall with a tin of Brown Gloss. The offending paint was quickly removed, but right there and then, apparently, the top dog Jews decided to wreak their revenge. They would not rest until every single Muslim (and non-Muslim) building on the planet, had at least one wall covered in paint supplied by a Jewlux-affiliated company.

Conspiracy or not though, I posed another obvious question – it’s a free world and surely every man and his dog can get involved in whatever business they see fit to get mixed up in.

“That’s a fair point,” Bisongrass replied, “but you seem to be missing the main point of my argument.”

“Which is what?”

“The Jews.”

“What about them?”

“They’re messing about with people’s heads, just because they can…. You know when the world trade centre collapsed, all the Jews were off sick that day? That’s just too convenient for my liking… and three quarters of those four thousand who called in sick, had all been previously employed by the same Jerusalem-based paint company.”

                               Glossy Brown Wailing Wall

 

“So what are you saying? That Jewlux was involved in 9/11?”

“Exactly,” he replied. “It’s come full circle, as usual. And another thing you probably don’t know is…all the fireproof paint in the World Trade Centre was Jewlux paint..and it didn’t work. That’s one of the reasons why the buildings didn’t hold up. The Jews have been selling fireproof paint minus the fireproofing, for years now.... unless there’s a fire, how would you ever know what’s in your so-called ‘fireproof’ paint? It could be otter's urine for all you know."

                                                                                Jew Dog

“So basically, what you’re saying is, because of a tin of brown Muslim gloss used on the Wailing wall in the 60s, the Jews have orchestrated the global domination of the paint industry ? – and not only that, they have also skimped heavily on vital ingredients which would have protected fire-damaged buildings from collapse?”

“Yeah.”

Melvin Bisongrass is currently serving four years for attempted murder.  He tried to commit suicide by sending himself two parcel bombs, which he never opened.

                              Melvin Bisongrass

STRUCTURALLY AND MENTALLY UNSOUND

Twin Towers ‘would’ve collapsed anyway’…. new conspiracy theory claims buildings were suicidal.

A remarkable new claim has been made regarding the infamous destruction of the twin skyscrapers of New York back in 2001. Contrary to popular wisdom, it is now believed that the Towers were on the verge of collapse anyway, and would’ve toppled within a matter of weeks, if not days, according to Bob Shot, 49.
Shot is a mechanical engineering graduate who has spent the last twenty five years wheeling a trolley full of Dolls heads around the financial centre of New York. As a student in his 20s, he once held the world pot-smoking record, clocking in with a stunning tally of 434 joints smoked back-back, without the aid of a lighter. Whilst on a euphoric high after smashing the record, he wrote the legendary thesis ‘How they didn’t build the pyramids’, which lays out in convincing fashion (with diagrams), how the Egyptians didn’t build the remarkable structures on the edge of Cairo. He was praised in academic circles for pointing out that the pyramids were not constructed by strapping rocks to the humps of camels and whipping them up a bamboo ramp.  Others thought he was just stating the fucking obvious.

                      Bob Shot's beard: In less paranoid,
                     less unkempt times

His current claim that the twin towers were on their last legs anyway, comes from observations over many years of trolley-wheeling around the financial district.

“One night when I thought that I was Christ’s second cousin, I tore my robe on a small screw plate which had fallen off the building. Over the next few weeks I noticed that more and more  things were falling off the buildings and one night I even saw them swaying in the wind. I even heard them talking to each other. It seemed to me, that the buildings had had enough, and we’re conspiring with each other to bring about a collapse.”

I pressed him further, in fact I played Devil’s Advocat and suggested that generally, buildings neither talk to each other, nor conspire to cause their own structural failure. I put it to him, that this was a conspiracy theory too far. 

“You may laugh,” he said…. so I did – briefly - mainly at the state of his unkempt beard, which was littered with more breakfast debris, than the space underneath my fridge.

“What you fail to realise,” he continued, “is that structures have feelings too. And when we stuff them full of people who run around all day swearing, smoking and generally disrespecting their environment, then eventually, the buildings can and will say, enough is enough.”

I looked further into this claim and it seems that there is now an entire online community giving credence to Shot’s ‘Twin Towers would’ve committed suicide anyway’ theory.

Aaron Muffshot, 35, is an ex banker turned philosopher, who makes a living selling seaweed cakes stuffed with hallucinogenic substances.

“The seaweed combines with the psychoactives and really heightens your sense of union with all the creatures in god’s universe. Don’t try swimming with dolphins when you’re high though, cos they can see right through your act, and contrary to popular belief, dolphins are not always friendly…   Their general reaction to space cadets is to swim very fast at them and headbutt them in the balls.”

                          Dolphins don't like hippies

I thanked him for the warning and quickly pointed out that I was here to gather information about the latest Twin towers conspiracy theory.

“So you don’t believe the buildings were brought down by non-existent holograms created by CNN and Disney while the real culprits pressed detonation switches on three hundred tonnes of dynamite they had sneaked into the building past security and thousands of highly intelligent, financial traders?”

“No,” he replied.  “All these ridiculous theories about controlled demolition and fake planes, fail to take into account one very important point – just because you’ve got a degree in maths, it doesn’t mean you’re qualified to say exactly what will happen when two jet airliners slam into the sides of the world’s two tallest buildings. There’s no precedent for this kind of thing. And that third building that came down…. Wasn’t surprising was it?  The forces we are dealing with are beyond comprehension.  We have to accept that in unique situations like that, we cannot always predict what will happen. It’s a big unknown.”

So of course I had to ask him, if the towers were definitely brought down by two jet airliners, why did he feel the need to subscribe to the ridiculous new school of thought which claims the buildings were depressed and had been scheming with each other for weeks in order to bring about their own suicidal collapse.

“It’s not beyond the realms of possibility. There have been many documented cases in other countries, where buildings have reached the end of their tether and decided to freefall into oblivion.”

When I suggested that this was mainly down to bad engineering and skimping on cement by mafia-connected construction firms, he told me that I was fucking paranoid.

 

They've had enough of this shit:  2 suicidal buildings  
clearly in the middle of plotting their own collapse